I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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