im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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