Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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