i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
