this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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