I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
