I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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