Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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