Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
