I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
