I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
