So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Two words: blizzard sex
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
