I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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