I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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