I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We are all done wearing pants today
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
