Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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