Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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