I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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