Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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