he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
