I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
