you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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