Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
