I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
