he laminated a picture of his dick.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
