They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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