when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
