Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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