Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
