Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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