one two three fourrrrnication!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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