the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
