Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
