fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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