You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
