Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
