she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
