I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well you can't waste a boner
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
