My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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