Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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