When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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