You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dicks are not precious.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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