He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
