my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
