Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My cat gives me a boner
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
