nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the condom got lost in my hair
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
