You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
