woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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