epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
