We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
